My English Friends

My friend John is "very" English. This should come as no surprise, since he lives in England. Johns' home is in the town of Chester, a city of about 100,000 located in the Northwest corner of his country, just below Wales.

John and I first met via the Internet. He subscribed to my humor list, and he, occasionally, would send me a humorous gem or two. Later, I got to meet his sister and brother in law who used to live close by in the Vancouver Washington area.
Thanks to lower international telephone rates, John and I can afford to talk on the telephone one or two times a week.

The town of Chester was built about two thousand years ago as a Roman Garrison. The Romans built a wall around the city. Interestingly enough, this wall still stands today and is a major tourists attraction. It is still intact, and according to John a person can walk the entire wall in less than two hours.

To quote my friend John: "The wall was built to keep out those bloody Welsh barbarians. They would run naked with their skins painted blue. Damn embarrassing if you ask me. I would hate to have them confused with real Englishmen."
"They weren't all that nice either, continued John. "They had a tendency towards human sacrifice. They used to catch their enemies put them in cages, and cook them alive. This was not the sort of thing that a respectable English man should have to endure."

"Good thing that the Romans built you a wall." Said I.

"Little good that it does us now," replied my friend John. "They are bloody well all over the place. You can hardly go into a pub with out it being filled with Welsh tourists. They drink our beer, steal our women, and generally make arses of themselves. In the old days, we used to have a law that anyone who was Welsh had to be out of our town by 9:00 PM. If they were caught, the town constable would throw them into gaeol."

"When was that?" I asked

"Oh, about 4 - 500 years ago, give or take a bit.' replied John. "You can easily tell if a person is Welsh."

"How is that?" I asked

"All they have to do is open up their bloody mouths. Their mouths sound as if they are full of bubble gum (John pronounced this word Booble)."

This last June, John and his good friend Graham, visited us here in St. Helens. Graham is also a long term member of my humor list. We swap jokes, and will on occasion even talk on the telephone.
John and Graham are "Best Mates." They have known each other since childhood, and like many good friends seem to enjoy poking fun at one another. John is a retired electrical engineer, while Graham makes his living driving a truck (Lorry). John is a staunch Labor (Labour) Party member, while Graham is a dedicated Conservative (Tory).

"I don't understand you Graham," said John. "We tried to get into the Conservative Club and they wouldn't let us in because we are both working class people. Yet, you still vote Conservative."

"I do what I think is best for the country, and I am not a bloody Socialist." replied Graham.

"It's your Welsh friends that's muddled your brain." Said John

"You don't know anything about the Welsh," said Graham